I am afraid of death. I am afraid of the end, or the beginning of the completely unknown. It is not only my own death that frightens me, but the death of those around me, whether I am close to them or not, whether they crossed my path or not, it always effects me the same: with fear and sadness and grief for those that are mourning. I do not know when exactly this fear of death manifested itself within me, but it certainly has not made an effort to leave anytime soon.
Today, a boy I went to high school with passed away. Last summer, two people, who I did not know personally, but many of my close friends were close friends with them, also passed away. Death occurs every day, all around me (and everyone else) and it is unavoidable and simply apart of lfie. I accept it in that context; however, it still scares the shit out of me. I’ll find myself sitting alone in my room browsing the randomness that is the internet and wondering if anyone else thinks about death as much as I do. When they get into their car, do they think: “Man, what if I get in a life-ending car accident while I’m driving?” Or, when they are in places with large crowds do they fear a mass shooting? I went to see “Man of Steel” the other night and found myself thinking: “What if a shooter comes in here and opens fire in the middle of the movie?!” WHO THINKS OF THINGS LIKE THIS?! Who has such morbid thoughts that they constantly ponder their impending death and the death of those around them? Clearly, my “Terror Management” has not been doing its job lately. What is even more unfortunate about these almost obsessive thoughts is the fact that I cannot even 100% enjoy my high anymore. I smoke, and these thoughts increase tenfold with the added terrorbeing triggered in my brain and sweeping through my entire body causing me to slightly freak out, but only on the inside because I don’t want to look like I’m completely bugging out in front of the people who seem to actually be enjoying themselves…like I once used to.
I honestly do not know why my mind has become this home for fear. I do not understand why my mind constantly escapes to the one thing most people try to avoid thinking about, yet some days it’s all I can think about. I ruminate. I slightly obsess. It’s frightening, and it would look as though its debilitating, however, it has not manifested itself in a way that dictates my actions. I still go about my day with a smile on my face. A genuine smile. I am happy. I feel blessed. I am grateful for both my small and expanding world as well as the world in its entirety. But, I can’t help but think that because I am happy, because the people in my life are so wonderful, that if I were to lose any of them my world would come crashing down, just as it slightly weighs down when I know others are grieving over loved ones they’ve lost. We exist to make a difference in each other’s lives no matter how small, but we also exist just to eventually not exist. It’s a troubling concept to me that I battle with on a daily basis. How many of you can imagine a world in which you or someone you know will no longer exist except for in a memory? Thoughts like these scare me, but they don’t hinder me.